“It’s Not Love”-COVID Conversations

June 30th, 2020

I was in Vermont when I heard about it. My cousin kept mentioning it. I would glance up at the TV only to forget about it. I was on vacation. I didn’t want to hear about some virus. Less than a month later, it was here, but not full force. I came home and one of my oldest friends and I talked about concerts. Are we going to this upcoming show? Should we spend X amount to see Rage Against The Machine, or not? We were trying to decide if we were going to go and then it was cancelled. He was going through a rough patch and so was I. Then it hit. We were locked inside. We’ve been friends forever and we can go for months without talking, but Skyping began. We filled each other in with everything. Laughter, sadness, broken hearts, why he loves Roger when I love David of Pink Floyd, me singing, him playing the guitar. During lockdown, it was time to get real. He started to tell me of how a relationship he was in was going under. Me? I was already under the water.

It makes me think of what my brother said when I was thirteen. I can still remember exactly where he told me what he told me. We were turning from Adair onto Wakefield where I grew up and it was late. He said to me, “Love doesn’t just break your heart, Holly. It can kill you.” I was so young and even though I understood the words, I didn’t quite comprehend it. I would find out a decade later what he meant. He was older than me, a lot older and he was going through something at the time. He was right. Love can kill your spirit. It can leave you feeling left for dead. It’s clear we (many of us) are looking to share our lives with someone. Not just someone, but “the one.” Is there really just one? When the relationship ends unexpectedly and that person ended it with words that cut deeper than a knife, it means they were not the one and they never were. Your heart breaks and aches.

People talk about love in songs, in books, but in real life, it’s not always a real conversation. With this friend of mine, it was. It is. We check in on each other, we talk, go over what’s new, talk about his kids and anxieties we have. We talk about work, about what’s going on in my life. Two months into COVID, I had a total breakdown and I called him. I could barely talk. I told him, “I am by myself, you know? I haven’t seen a friend except on a computer. I have no alcohol. You know I don’t drink much, but I could use some alcohol. I need a haircut, I need a hug, I need something. I can’t do this. I don’t want to quarantine anymore! I am losing my shit!” The next night he drove from another state and brought me some alcohol, we ordered take out and he showed up. He sat with me, snot running out of my nose; it was one of those nights. He knew he had to come see me as I had never sounded that rattled before. I explained, “I am solo and solo while quarantining sucks.” He knows. He lives alone, too.

That’s a friend and he has always been a friend. One of my best friends. Doesn’t judge me, knows the good, the bad and the ugly and will always show up because he is a true friend. And now he has me listening to Dokken’s album, “Beast From The East.” Many feel guys and gals can’t be just friends. That’s not true. Guys don’t want to always go deep with other guys when it comes to affairs of the heart. It’s easier to open up to a woman. Women don’t judge and we are compassionate creatures, plus he’s known me since we were children, so there’s a comfort level. I know him and I know women so I can usually figure out what is going on with a woman he’s in a relationship with than if he went to one of his guy friend’s and the same thing goes for me going to him about a guy. I am rooting for my friend because I love him as one of my dearest friend’s. To be truly honest with a friend about all things and have that person love you even more is the greatest gift.

It’s been nice to have my friend (who expects nothing) help me pick my heart up and help me put it back into my chest. We’ve helped each-other through COVID, through a crazy ass time. This is not the first time, but can it be the last? He’s coming along. He told me tonight, “When this relationship I am in ends because I can tell it’s almost over, I am not going to stay home. I am going out.” I responded, “Of course you are. That’s what you do.” He laughed and then I laughed. This is not the first heartache I’ve been through with him. I said, “Yeah, I am done. I am not staying home, but I am not interested in dating right now. I can’t.” He responded, “I know. I know you. It takes you awhile. Just don’t wait a long time, Hol, you know? We’re not getting younger.” I laughed a little. I told him, “There are many aspects of me that are not getting older and one of those aspects is my heart. I am still young at heart. By the way, what are we doing for my 50th birthday because I want a party! We need a party, don’t you think?” I threw on this hat and said, “I bought this mohawk hat because I am turning 50 and why not dress crazier?! Do you like it? It’s handmade.” We both laughed and he said, “I love it. I absolutely love it. You need to wear that when we go and see TOOL”. And so I did.